Was it something I said?
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Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!