I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
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I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.