I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
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I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.