I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
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Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
Comparing yourself to others
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”