I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
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I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
I have never related to a cat more
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
SPLOOT
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
Mad Max Arctic Road
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow