I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
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It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
Challenge accepted.
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth