I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
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At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Namaste
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”