I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
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Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
Nose
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”