@KKBowls: "I know what you look like naked" - me to my girlfriends identical twin sister, every single time I see her.
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@DirtMcTurd: [texting drug dealer] "You around? I was gonna stop by." Yeah what are u looking for? "I stopped doing drugs, I just miss you"
@5hael: My ceiling fan has three setting: - very slow - slow - I'm about to detach from the ceiling and kill you in a freak ceiling fan accident
@tricycle_champ: [walking away from taco truck] WIFE: whats wrong ME: nothing WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco ME: *wiping away tears* no
@SteveKoehler22: I needed to get a shipment of almonds to the airport quickly. It was so weird to call Uber and ask if they could drive me nuts.