@KKBowls: "I know what you look like naked" - me to my girlfriends identical twin sister, every single time I see her.
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@TheCatWhisprer: I hate when I think there's an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
@Sickayduh: CVS clerk: Receipt? Me: Sure *God uses 2 fingers to gently close the eyes of an entire rain forest*
@KalvinMacleod: KIM JONG-UN: I'm banning sarcasm ME: well that's just great K: what? M: I reeeally hate sarcasm K: seize him...I think
@CountGripsnatch: Me: I should stop drinking Me: Why? Me: I dunno Me: You're awesome when you drink Me: Really? Me: Yeah Me: Thanks, me. You're alright