@KKBowls: "I know what you look like naked" - me to my girlfriends identical twin sister, every single time I see her.
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@batkaren: LITTLE MERMAID 2016: SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!! ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
@EJGomez: dating tip: do NOT kiss their dad on the first date to establish dominance. wait until at least the second date. he will respect you more
@StellaRtwot: I appreciate when aerobic instructors say "Don't forget to breathe" because I sometimes forget and then I die.
@BlindChow: [girl chatting up guy at bar] girl: so what do you do? magician: i halve a girlfriend