Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
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I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
step 6: release the wall snake