[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
You Might Also Like
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
😂😂
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous