“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
You Might Also Like
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is