I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
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not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
I鈥檓 giving up ice.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug鈥檚 kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.