I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
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Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.