I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
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[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Teach your children to beatbox
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
🤣dope
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.