An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
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I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”