I laughed at this way too hard.
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*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…