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@Msummerslowe: I laughed at this way too hard.
@citizenkawala: Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
@ObscureGent: 88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
@Th3BadGuy__: I asked a girl to kiss me under a mistletoe and she said she wouldn't kiss me under anesthesia.
@goyangsk: I will never leave twitter.
@TheHatStore: doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
doctor: [writing] you're... fired...