I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
You Might Also Like
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.