Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
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The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”