[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
You Might Also Like
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕