I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
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Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
Can. I. Help. You.