@dumbbeezie: I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
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@kumailn: Me: “Time to go to sleep.” Brain: “Good call.” *A beat* Brain: “Hey what do you think is gonna happen at this elect—“ Me: “I DON’T KNOW!!!”
@pleatedjeans: [spider confronting me] him: yo did you steal my coat? me: [wearing 8-sleeved coat] no this is mine
@TheMichaelRock: God: One last thing before I let you in. Let's look at your Google search history. Me: I'll show myself out.