I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
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I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Happy Febuary everyone!
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
“The Perfect Relationship”
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners