I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
You Might Also Like
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.