@JermHimselfish: I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like "Pick up milk" or "Pay gas bill" or "Stop wasting your life away"
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@GrowlyGrego: [doctor hands wife urn] Ma'am, I'm afraid your husband didn't make it. "Nooo!" she cries. Oh, he's fine. But he didn't make this lovely urn.
@murrman5: [kidnapper hands wife phone] "brent" BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
@patrickmarkryan: Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they've been trying to do it using dial-up internet
@rolldiggity: 1. Put on clown shoes. 2. Sit in toilet stall with feet pulled up. 3. Wait for someone to enter other stall. 4. Slowly lower feet to floor