*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
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*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
i have one speed and it’s mosey
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what