it must be school picture day
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I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.