Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
You Might Also Like
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.