I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
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If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
the official breakfast of 2021
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
At least try to make it slightly believable
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.