All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
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ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
#Caturday
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath