The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
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[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
I feel attacked.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”