I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
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Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.