I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
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*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
Monday
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Dammit Chief not again
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )