I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
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Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.