I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
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Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection