I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
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dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
A friend helps you before you need it
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood