@cuntrystronggal: "I like cooking my family and my pets." Use commas. Don't be a psycho.
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@daemonic3: Pizza Hut: May I take your order? Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian? Pizza Hut: Yes, but don't ever call me vegetarian again.
@katiefzack: If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
@KrazykurtKurt: When #EgyptAir announced "he's not a terrorist, just an idiot" My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.