This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
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CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
shut up and take my money
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
“I took care of your clown problem.”
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.