How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
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You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.