i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
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Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
Holy moly
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom