I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
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Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister