i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
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Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
Somebody call the cops.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
Siri, fight Alexa.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.