Passed by a old school Math example today.
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I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
Ron is short for Aaronald
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.