I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
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hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.