I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
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a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
wut hotdog?
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird