@novicefather: I like it soft and warm. Uh huh. Yea girl, go ahead and throw that figgy pudding in the microwave for a bit.
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@Super_Cynthia: [auditions for laundry detergent commercials just so I can splash brightly colored food on myself on purpose]
@TheThomason: Fun way to make someone question everything: comment "you are so brave" on all their selfies.
@FunnyTunes: Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you? Me: Yes, their dog is our dog's brother.