[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
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No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.