I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
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Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.