I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
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I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
Tuesday
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.