I like long walks away from everyone
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r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
real
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.