I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
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For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
This has made my week.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it