I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
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ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
Go girl power!
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.