‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
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GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
A huge thanks to the person that did this
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
This headline is a thing of beauty
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Should I call tech support or pray or what
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?